The Angel of Unlove

I was made human enough to be vulnerable, but angelic too, with gifts of unimaginable empathy, perception, love, and healing.

I have wings arched in my back, but sadly I cannot fly. My wings are beautiful and tender, they remind me of my purpose. I have wings, but I will never fly. I have endless love, but I am never to be loved.

I fall in love deeply and wholly and quickly. It is one of many curses. I am drawn to those with insecurities, those who do not know what it is to be loved, and I fall in love with them. I see this through actions, through speech, and most importantly eyes.

I immediately become a momentary guidance for them. I assure them where they feel their faults lie. I tell them things they do that are inappropriate, so they won’t make that mistake again. I shape them. I banish the broken from them and I teach them the ways of love – how to show it, how to act when you feel it, how to manipulate the negative outcomes of love (the things we sometimes do out of love and good intentions but are in themselves, a bad action), how to cope with heartbreak, how to use love to nurture, and many others.

I will give them gifts on every monthly anniversary, because I know that our time is limited, there won’t be yearly anniversaries, or engagement parties. All we have is the little time it takes for you to be healed enough to be capable of loving others. And I will present to you these gifts, in hopes that you never forget me, and maybe one day you will see them and smile. That is, something at least – to be thought of. To be remembered.

My love is always real, for it needs to be for my loved ones, who I have come to call “Passers”. They need to believe that their is no question in my method, or the love I give. They must feel its sincerity.

The final rule I teach is how to break someone’s heart – what that means for them, how they are hurt by it. It is a selfless act of giving empathy, and it is one of the main reasons I am an angel. I am to be everyone’s mistake – let them ruin me, so that when their one comes, they will know what to do, and most importantly what not to do. 

The distance that comes after our time between us will hurt me, but I won’t be broken. Whoever it was that made me this way made sure that heartbreak would wreck me enough to leave me on that edge, but never to be blown over. Because without me, someone else would have to do this job.

And I almost feel like Death. Trapped. Carrying people into adulthood, into love. But having to have myself used as the test. To see if they can love. And maybe sometimes Death wants to be alive? Maybe sometimes the Angel of Unlove wants to be loved.

Or why give me the ability to love? Why not have me as fake as the love I receive? Does it have to be genuine love? The love that cripples me, mentally begging for the passer to fall for me, as I have fallen for them…

And I love people enough to never let anyone feel this way, and so I will never give up my job. I will be tortured forever, I will bloom those who feel unworthy of love with the water of my arteries, and when they are ready they will leave me, or do things to make me leave them. And I will watch them forever through cloud, I will watch them all grow into loyal, beautiful, beings, and watch as they share their lives with someone deserving. Someone full.

I guess it’s poetic. I empty the vase of my love into someone, and then they are full of love and its ability forever, and that liquid will never deplete in them.

But for me, I leave the vase cold, until one day, scarred even more, my wings further dislodged, I will find that vase is full again. I will sigh deeply, and with sad eyes, I will fall in love for someone so that they can fall in love with someone else.

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A Personal View On Death

Death to me, is quite beautiful.

Death is tying a ribbon into a bow and labelling the package ‘Completion.’ It is finally being able to look back on a life and understand the meaning of that life, the question that has boggled philosophers, some of the best thinkers, since life began. Death is an epiphany. It’s noticing the beauty, the impact, the brilliance of someone.

With death comes a treasuring, and albeit a sum of regret too, but we cling on to what we remember of a life only once it’s gone. Death is keeping those memories and always feeling some sort of emotion because of them. Happiness, anger, desperation… In its own dark way, Death will remind you of what’s most important in life, in the most obvious way it can – through expression. Emotion. Elements of life.

Death is endless love, perhaps frustrating in some circumstances, but endless nonetheless. When we lose someone we love, when their life is complete, our love for them becomes immortal, because life can no longer touch that love, it cannot ruin that love, there will be no fights to tear that love. That love is crystallised and therefore unbreakable.

With death comes a terrible feeling that one won’t experience until they’ve fallen victim to Death’s grip. A pain, a sick feeling that was always there, like cancer, just waiting to be exploited. Mourning, grief… Emotions that cause sickness, sickness of hearts, sickness of souls, emotions that will make make you puke up the backbone of your reality and leave you staring at the mess on the floor. Death gives birth to the second part of life, and much like in the first part of life, we are born kicking and screaming and scared and stupid, but we grow. We age. Death prepares us for how cruel both it and Life can be, and will be, and you will see a different world, a world where you will not take ease for granted…But a world where you will appreciate the softness of snow, the flexibility of young glass, the changing colour of the sky.