Snowdrop Fallacy

There’s a little bench on Snowdrop Cliff. It’s not centred, and it’s too far back to see the..edge, but you can still witness those faraway lights.

 

I retract from my dangerous leer over Cliff’s…edge, retreating to the bench. This seat is strikingly deer to me, – to us. We somehow met here, often. Perhaps, even firstly. I sweep the fresh snow from the wood and follows a pain as unforgettable as heart-break. I lay myself down on it, curling my body into it’s flattened discomfort.

With my head now propped vertically, it all looks so odd.

Snow City’s light appear squished between the Cliff and the mountains opposite me, surrounding the city like a gigantic ceramic bowl.

 

Peculiar and poignant.

 

I begin to softly sob. And then violently, but only in my eyes. My throat is fine. And now I am weeping like a sick and wet baby, effortfully soundlessly, whimpering against myself and at myself. A baby who doesn’t bother screaming because it has learned this tactic is futile. Nobody comes.

 

A little gust of wind patrols suddenly and shuffles the snow in front of me. It shows me everything in highlighted whisps.

 

It hurts to see, but I have met it’s acquaintance. Inside my nightmares, my hopeful dreams and most distinctly out of sleep, it plays on loop. It shows me us.

 

I could stuff chimneys with how much I could write about us. Those memories.

 

I take the pain silently, as I always do, allowing it in and to settle (lovewords that I have lost). It fills my cotton soul with moisture until it begins dripping the excess of what it can carry.

 

And why do we lie? You and I, to each other, about each other. Or, sorry, did. I wonder what the truth is. I wonder if I would even believe it if someone told me.

Advertisements

Flowers Are No Good To The Dead

Have you lost someone you loved?

You know that feeling when someone dies, that helplessness, that loss, like you can’t ever talk to them and tell them that the fight was stupid and you didn’t mean what you said? Or that the boy isn’t and would never have been worth the friendship? And when you think back to all of the good times, and then and ONLY then you realise you still love that person. And for what? They are dead. They died resenting you. They died with your hatred in their heart.

 

Or how about have someone you loved leave?

They go on to a better place, a better future. They leave because they have a new job, or seek a new start, or the other many reasons people go. Have you looked someone in the eyes before they got on a flight and you knew the connection you shared, that line that was always growing, had just hit a wall, and would not grow anymore? Gone.

 

You think you have been heart-broken. You haven’t. Loving someone who you don’t get to love is actual heart-break. Watching them grow, learn, live and love without you. Nothing you can do. They’re gone. The love you have for them? Still as passionate as the day you first met.

 

Take this from me. Flowers are no good to the dead. Ring your boyfriend, tell him you love him. Hold him extra tightly when you hug him. Ask him questions and let him ramble on and listen to every word he speaks. Form yourself as part of him. Visit your grandparents. Joke with them. Do random acts of selflessness. Get flowers delivered to their door. I don’t care if it’s not a “special occasion.” Spend money on them. Go into a shop and buy something that they would like. Get them a spoon and gift wrap it, if only to see them laugh. Remind people how much you love them. Never ever let them question it.

 

If you love someone, tell them. Even if they don’t love you back. Even if it terrifies you to admit it. Let your voice shake. Ask him to be in your life. Try it out. Try love. If he dies tomorrow, make sure he dies knowing your heart is with him wherever he goes. Death isn’t an ending, more a movement. Ensure your heart stays with him.

 

Too many honey tears are spilled. Too many hearts are shattered because you waited and hoped he would come to you. Go to him. Be good to him. If love was a number, it would be one.

 

If it’s you reading this. You, you dope. If it’s you?

Just know that I love you.

No matter how far you go, my heart glides there too.

No matter how dark it gets, my soul will find yours.

And if I never get to see you again? I will never forget. And I will never cease loving you.

(You’re still a moonhead though).

(And I know you love me too).

(^That doesn’t mean you can’t fucking say it to me though).

Echo

The crystals shake in their chambers

Vibrations from my voice

I don’t care if this cliff

Gives

 

Aurora Borealis

Is nowhere to be seen

She has lost her sight

And mind

 

Patterns don’t exist

If love cannot breathe

Our love against the cold

I couldn’t win alone

 

We found hands to hold

Reaching in the dark

Paper hearts

Playing with fire

 

It’s just one more day

Not a lifetime

My spirit watch it sing

As it whistles through past times

 

A summer bursting with colour

Skyscrapers and blue quays

Death had never been duller

Then night stretched from under
(Northern Lights Erupt)

(Echo comes into effect)

 

We found hands to hold

Reaching in the dark

Paper hearts

Playing with fire

 

Every star

Every wish

Only you

 

We’d found hands to hold

Holding through the dark

I couldn’t fight off the cold, alone

One set of footprints in the snow

Paper hearts

Playing with fire

 

Ice-Knife

Tip,
Carve,
Cleaver.
Ice Knife.
Foal Heart.
Wicked swipe.
You pulled out
A piece of glacier.
Ice Knife. You pushed
This piece into my chest
Kept it there until I froze.
Held it there I turned cold. You.
Then you left me on this white cliff.
How can hugs so warm, lips so wet, be ice.
Louder – Break
What I think.
More? Deeper
Into the drink.
You don’t love me.
Your afflcition
Brought me
To the most
Beautiful, most
Devastating place
I have ever been.
You are my Weapon
Of Choice.

 

Glaciers

*Peacefully paced, footsteps in snow*

 

*Cease*

 

“If I…”

“Let go?…”

“Let go…”

“If…”

“Why?…”

“Promised…”

*Holding back angry tears*

“Liar…”

“Why?…”

“Snow?”

“Blood?”

“Bleeding…”

“…Snow…”

“..Then why are you letting me go?”
“I don’t know what else to do.”

“So that’s it then? Just leave me because you’re confused?”
“I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”
“This is hurting me. This is the worst possible thing you could do to me?!”

“I’m sorry.”

“I love you.”
“…I love you too”

 

Snowdrop Angel

“…I don’t want to kill myself.”

I stood on the edge of Snowdrop Cliff. Everything was here. My past, my future, my body of now, my lifeline. Everything that has happened to me has covered the mountains in a snowy carpet which never leaves.

So far away from everything, this angel’s place… But I bring with me in my bones, all of the people I have loved. I feel their broken promises wearing me down.

It’s so hard. Life. I feel so many wars bruise my back, battles I fought against the people I love. If my heart could bleed. Words that haunt. Betrayals that split me from my spirit. So much loss. I could hold it here in my hand, pick up the snow, and out would shine a memory of mine. I could glimmer in it’s brilliance, my eyes prisms to it’s witness. But what is it worth?

This land of time and recollection all rolls with my soul. And my soul is a lonely soul. There are no intertwines or links, only sad ghosts of people who came and missed. And I have missed, too.

Looking over Snow city, far away, far beneath. Fairy lights in gingerbread houses, nobody about, the whispering of the snow lost to the gaps in the mountains. Over the city, over the snow, Arctic Lake cut through in the purest blue you will ever see, it’s thin scraping line mine in writing.

How can you leave if you truly love? If you wake up every morning in wonder and in awe? You can’t.

I do not want to fall from this cliff. I do not want to taint the snow red. Thinking of not wanting to but doing it makes me cry a little. The tears scrape my skin on their descent, drawing lines of blood. The lumpy head of the tear, and the lumpy head of the blood, both glide down my face. One feels like a kitten slit, the other like a warm raindrop.

And the people here are made of paper. The colder it gets, the deeper their edges cut and I can’t help but love and fear them.

Let me go in peace. Why do I have to relish in this place, I can feel the frost stiffen my thoughts and means of motion. Why can’t letting go be so much easier than this. Snowdrop Cliff is made for two people, not one. It’s as sad as I am to see that I have come alone tonight with nothing but loss in my life. I came back tonight aged with so many years. Years I did not need nor desire but have been aged with anyways. What is it worth?

I found my heart, gave it away, smashed it up and threw it out. Talk to me now of being weak.

Write me a new lullaby.

I can’t let you go.

But I can let myself go.

And don’t you know, I’ve lost so much in life, that everytime I lose myself, I find myself anew. No more.

“I don’t want to die” I cried. So, I covered my eyes, and let fall

Abandoner

When I left you, you were young

But now you’re older you’ll –

Know when to run, and when to love

(Careless laughter),

Probably end up, with a happy ever after

You’re now so wise, in disguise

And you won’t ever again be tricked. By. Lies

~

Feel your father at your side

Couldn’t be there again this time

Learn what I meant

Learn why I left

I can’t let. You. Stay. Young.

~

It wasn’t easy, letting you go

But you need to respect that

you’ll never know, my sorrow

(Dad’s disaster)

The harder you look, harder the answer

I gave you life, I gave you strife

Now repay me with with your future life

~

Feel your father at your side

Couldn’t be there again this time

Learn what I meant

Learn why I left

I can’t let. You Stay-

BURN

Shape life over a dozen times

Move right, only to,wards light –

Freedom kind and freedom wise

Be shy and be alight

Run faster than the night

Love harder than you fight

Stop. Asking. Why.